That's Not How The Force Works
by TygraSol
Summary: Ghost Han has a heart-to-heart with one EXTREMELY panic-stricken Kylo Ren. When it comes to females and force-bonds... the Supreme Leader discovers he may need a teacher. And a new pair of gloves. Rated M for language and suggestive themes. Before you continue, you'll want to empty your bladder first. And maybe grab some popcorn. Proceed with caution. Enjoy!


**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own any rights to Star Wars or its characters. I do not get paid for my published work. This story is purely for recreational enjoyment. Non-canon elements apply. Uncle Luke is kind of a stupid head. (Because that's nicer than calling him a donkey's rear end; or a very rude rooster who stops you from participating in... leisurely activities.)

 **WARNING! THIS ONE-SHOT CONTAINS THE FOLLOWING:** PG-13 Language and Allegorical Raunchiness; Theoretical Inappropriate Use of the Force; Implied Maniacal Laughter; Dastardly Crimes Against Fandom Crossovers (In the form of overused and abused one-liners); Diluted Yet Convoluted TLJ Spoilers (Hello, Sweetie *wink, kiss*); Obscene Amounts of Fourth Wall Violations (Because, meta); Dad Jokes... Lots of (Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day) Dad Jokes

 **YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN WARNED. PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK.**

* * *

 **That's Not How The Force Works: An Absurdly Longwinded One-Shot That Nobody Asked For**

"Do or do not. There is no try." – Yoda

"YOLO!" – Drake (allegedly)

"Oh, they HATE that ship!" – FN2187 a.k.a. Traitor a.k.a. Finn

"The One-Shot they needed, but not the One-Shot they deserved." – Me (Butchering quotes and ruining fanfic fandoms since 2018… MUAHAHAHAHA!)

* * *

 _*cue iconic theme song*_

 _* A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…. *_

A very distraught Kylo Ren (newly self-appointed Supreme Leader of the First Order) paces the floor in his private quarters. He shakes his head, rigorously, while wringing his hands, then, stops and rakes his fingers through his hair. _This_ is going to be a meltdown of GALACTIC proportions. He loudly laments.

"Oh. My. Force… ohmyforce, ohmyforce, OH. MY. FORCE! GAAAHHHHH!"

He grabs fistfuls of disheveled locks and pulls hard, his face turning bright red as he lets out frustrated grunts. Momentarily, an apparition appears, floating leisurely by Kylo's room. It's the ghost of Han Solo. He's been meandering and knocking about, haunting Kylo since he stabbed him in the back on Starkiller (well, technically, he was facing him, and it was his chest, buuttt… I digress). _* Seriously, son. Why did you have to break your father's heart like that? I just wanted a hug. *_

Kylo freaked out the first few times he showed up, especially after that one night, where he jumped out from behind the couch and yelled _"NERF-HERDER!"_ , causing Kylo to nearly have a heart attack. He _may_ have accidentally sliced a very valuable painting in half, that was hanging on the wall behind Han, when he practically flung his lightsaber through his father's transparent form. (Spoiler Alert: It didn't kill him… cuz he's already dead… haha! Ha! Haaaaa… yeahhh.) Oh, and his voice totally cracked when he let out a high-pitched scream. Nobody will ever hear about _that_ part, though. The only thing the clean-up crew will be told, is that Kylo was _very_ angry because some _IDIOT_ gave him onions in his lunch order when he explicitly said, _"NO. KRIFFING. ONIONS!"_

* Lowers the fourth wall and gestures with hand while using Jedi mind control trick. *

 _You will not tell a soul that Kylo Ren screamed like a girl, or you will die a slow and painful death. Seriously. Don't cross Be- I mean, Kylo. His name is KYLO DAMMIT!_

* Raises the fourth wall and returns to previous narrative. *

Anyways, after a couple of months and a LOT of harassment (and _"vomitrocious"_ dad jokes), Kylo and Han _finally_ buried the hatchet (lightsaber?), and were actually on semi-decent terms now. So, as Ghost Han passes by Kylo's open doorway, he stops, levitating just past the frame, then leans backwards so he can peer in at his tantruming son. Kylo Ren has NEVER looked this terrified. _EVER_. He was bordering on full hysteria. Han arches an eyebrow and just stan- erm, floats… silently, observing his angst-ridden son. _* Ahhh… the memories… *_

Kylo stops pacing temporarily and makes a sort of grimacing expression. He was going for a brooding scowl. _* He IS pretty damn attractive when he's brooding. *_ In reality though, he's just scrunching his nose, puckering his lips, and furrowing his brows like an Ewok that just stepped in a pile of Wookie scat. (No offense to Wookies… except _you_ , Chewie. Kylo's still mad as a cheated Hutt about you shooting him with that bowcaster; even though he killed your best friend, like, three seconds before that.) He scratches the back of his head with one hand, while rubbing his temples with the other. Cue the exasperated groan.

"Ohhh myyy foorrcceee… _kriff_. Maker. Force, shit, maker-kriffing SHIT!"

Ghost Han enters the room and clears his throat.

"Um… son? Is there… something you want to get off your chest?"

Kylo suddenly snaps his head up in alarm. _* When did he show up? It's really kriffing annoying when you're in the middle of a major freak out, and your dead father barges in without knocking first… oh… yeah… never mind. *_ His eyes widen in panic, and he begins to pace again as Ghost Han crosses his arms and waits for a response. He's not sure who's more confused at the moment, but he's pretty sure Kylo is, quite literally, blazing a permanent trail with all this manic patrolling.

"I touched her. Oh. Shit. Dad, I kriffing TOUCHED HER! I think… I think I got her pregnant! Oh my force, she's pregnant! Kriffing MAKER!"

Ghost Han's brow is arching even higher now, and he motions for Kylo to stop and sit down on his bed. Kylo slumps his shoulders and begrudgingly shuffles his way over to a tangled mess of sheets and pillows. He was _always_ bad about making his bed. Constantly being nagged about it may or may not be one of the reasons he joined the Dark Side. _* He'll do what he wants, when he wants, and he doesn't have to take orders from YOU, REBEL SCUM! General Organa…_ _Leia…_ _Ma'am…_ _Mom…_ _Mommy?_ _Oh… maker… oh my force, no, NO! Kriff, NO! I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! YES MA'AM! PLEASE! Not the ears, NOT THE EARS! *_

Ghost Han whips up an imaginary chair out of thin air and pulls it over to the side of the bed, so he can have a proper pow-wow with his son. Flipping it backwards, he straddles it and rests his arms on the chairback, folding his hands loosely.

"I think you should, uh… maybe start at the beginning, yeah?"

Kylo swallows nervously as he gives a slow nod. He's starting to break out into a cold sweat, the hairs on the back of his neck are standing on end, and he can feel goosebumps forming on his arms. There's only _one thing_ that can keep him calm enough to talk right now. _*drum roll, please*_ Kylo's FAVORITE, one-of-a-kind, _limited-edition_ (Because he made it himself, so there's only one…) DARTH VADER PLUSHIE! (With _SOUND_! And a mini _light-up_ saber!) He grabs his granddad lovey from the top of Mount Pillimanjaro and hugs it close. (Kill-a-man-jaro would have been cooler, but it's just a pile of pillows, so…)

 _* We interrupt our program to bring you this important message from beyond the fourth wall. *_

 _Ok, just so we're all on the same page here. Kylo Ren WORSHIPS his GrandVader Anakin. So, naturally, he HAD to honor him by turning him into a stuffed doll. Because, he was just the COOLEST. VILLAIN. EVER! And every great Sith Lord deserves their own plushie and- uh, huh? What?! SHUT UP! This isn't "CREEPY" at all! And Kylo Ren is NOT a mentally unstable manbaby!_

 _* Slams the fourth wall shut and storms off. Stupid heads… whatever… resume the broadcast. *_

Ghost Han rolls his eyes as Kylo hugs his _Build-A-GrandVader_ tightly.

"Oooh kaaay." He clears his throat. "Right. Okie dokie, then. So. You think you got _her_ pregnant. Her… who? Exactly?"

Kylo flashes an irritated glare in disbelief. Of ALL the dads the force could have chosen to give him, he had to get stuck with the most obnoxious, clueless man in the universe! _Any_ universe! _EVERY_ universe! He was a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder, to quote his mother. AND he wasn't even force-sensitive. _* Maybe if he had been, he wouldn't have tried to give Kylo a hug when he was in such a bad mood. Then Kylo wouldn't have had to run him through. Psych! Just joking. He still would have skewered him. Sorry dad, nothing personal, my boss made me do it. *_

"Are you KIDDING me? REY… KRIFFING _REY_ , DAD! Maker! Who _ELSE_ would I be talking about?!"

 _* Yes, Ghost Han. Who ELSE would Kylo Ren know in the galaxy… that's a female… and ISN'T related to him? (And for all of you conspiracy nu- um… "theorists" out there, who still can't accept the fact that Rey's a nobody, DESPITE the movie with a 200 million dollar budget revealing that she is… well… come on, guys... give the man a break.) CLEARLY, Kylo had to check her out when he heard about the new girl galivanting around with an oversized orange reflector ball. So, he ran a THOROUGH background screening and identity verification on her, before agreeing to force-bond and hold hands. And no, he's not a creepy stalker. Overachiever, yes. Psycho killer, definitely. Creepy stalker… nooo… abso-kriffing-lutely NOT.) *_

"I don't know… isn't that Captain Phasma chick hanging out with you all the time?"

Kylo sticks his fingers in his ears and clamps his eyes shut.

"DAD! What the force?! Captain Phasma isn't a _'chick'_ … she's not even a… a… well, I don't know what she is, but she definitely doesn't count! We're just coworkers. Ew. Gross. No. Just… no."

He's making gagging sounds now. Ghost Han just rolls his eyes and shakes his head. * _Dramatic much? *_ Kylo covers his face with his hands in embarrassment. This isn't happening, this is _NOT_ kriffing happening right now.

"Ok, son. Ok. Let's just… calm down, alright? Take a deep breath and calm down."

Ghost Han gestures with his hands, drawing air in and out of his lungs slowly, prompting Kylo to do the same. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale… this is beginning to sound an awful lot like pregnancy talk. This was a bad idea. _* Stop panicking Kylo, you're the kriffing Supreme Leader, and you don't need meditation lessons. Pull it together, dammit! Pull. It. Together! *_

"Ok… that's better. Now. Exactly how did you…" Ghost Han strains to maintain his composure. He always _hated_ talking about this kind of stuff. He manages to soldier through. "In what way did you… um… touch her… to make you think she's pregnant?"

He's immediately regrets the question, but there's no going back now. Brace yourselves. This is NOT going to be pretty.

"I touched her hand! Force, maker, I kriffing touched Rey's HAND!"

Kylo looks truly anguished as he confesses the dirty deed. Ghost Han blinks. He cocks his head and scratches. If you thought he was confused before, well, let me tell you, he's just reached a _whole_ new level of bewilderment. There should be a medal for that.

"Son… do you… understand… where babies come from?" He pauses to briefly observe Kylo's face as it twists into an undistinguishable expression. "I mean… you _do_ know how they're… ahem… made… right?"

Kylo's eyes have widened so much, that Ghost Han worries he might pop a vessel, or maybe they'll bulge out of his head. He's absolutely mortified. Ghost Han can relate, Kylo. Ghost Han can relate.

"Oh. My. Force. _DAD_! I'm not _STUPID_! Of course, I know about… all that!" He waves his hand around in a circle to signify _"all that"_. "I remember when you had…" He squints his eyes and cringes as he forces the words out. "When you had… 'the talk'… with me." His knees are bouncing audibly now. "You remember? The one about… bases… and stuff…"

Ghost Han _does_ remember. He wishes he didn't. _That_ was one for the books. He had to have a few drinks before _AND_ after that one. (It was mostly shots, and then a couple of beers after, cuz _HAN SHOT FIRST._ _* Mind. Blown. Kaboom! *_ ) Now that he thinks about it, those _might_ have muddled his memory a bit. (Good thing he's already dead, cuz if Leia ever found out, she'd kill him. Again… see what I did there? Huh? _*eyebrow wiggle*_ No? Ok, whatever…) Despite his questionable sobriety at the time, he's pretty sure he explained things well enough without being too graphic. After all, his son was only _twelve_. He needed to keep it PG-13. Poor kid. Puberty sucks.

"Alright. Alright. I remember, you don't have to give me a play-by-play. Well then… exactly _which_ base did you get to with her?"

He's narrowing his eyes now as Kylo fidgets and shakes his head. The disgruntled, hormonal teenager-man, who parades around as "Supreme Leader" when he isn't throwing fits and killing his father, looks like he's ready to jump off a cliff. The heat in his face is stifling. (Not that ghosts can feel temperature. In fact, they can't feel anything… because they have no… _*gasps*_ … soul. _*comedic rimshot*_ Ahahahaha… yeah, yeah, I know… I kriffing _warned_ you people about the dad jokes.)

"Kriffing force, dad! Seriously? The rebel base… obviously!"

Awkward silences are… awkward. And did he really just refer to her… well… ahem… you know… as a _rebel_ base?! This is suddenly getting WAY too personal.

"Rebel base? Son, I'm not sure you understand what I'm asking you."

It's Kylo's turn to roll eyes now.

"Kriff, dad. Could you just _listen_? You _never_ listen! It would make sense if you let me finish!"

"Ok, ok. No need to get wound up, I'm listening. Please, continue."

Kylo sets GrandVader (Bet you forgot he was here, didn't you?), down on the bed and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees so he can gesture with his hands, _without_ flailing around and accidentally blowing a hole in the wall if he gets a little too worked up. _* Premature force detonations are a real thing, guys. One should never be too embarrassed to talk to their force master about it. *_

"Ok, so, what happened was… well, there was this… force-bond. And then… we touched hands… and then, out of nowhere, Rey just shows up! She kriffing flies right into my boss's star destroyer! I've only met the girl twice! I didn't even think she liked me. I mean… sure, I swept her off her feet and carried her back to my ship for a one-on-one meet and greet, but… I just wanted to ask her for directions to a deserted island in the middle of nowh- " Here comes the mind-boggling _"ah-ha!"_ moment. _* lightbulbsaberbulblight *_ "Oh. My. FORCE! I asked her on a date! I asked her on a _kriffing_ _DATE_ , dad!"

Kylo smacks his palm to his forehead. Ghost Han isn't sure he understands where any of this is going, but things are starting to get interesting, so he casually rubs his chin and plays along.

"Ok… so you asked her on a date. Go on."

Kylo groans as he connects the dots inside his head. This was bad. This was _REALLY_ kriffing bad.

"We made small talk, and she was playing hard to get, so… I thought I'd try to impress her with my mind reading skills. I told her I could take whatever I wanted. I must have come off too strong. Was that too strong? It was, wasn't it? I mean, I was definitely trying to flirt a little... but, I wasn't really expecting it to go anywhere. Kriff! And _then,_ there was that whole, trying to kill each other in a snowy forest, fiasco. Although… I _guess_ that could be considered romantic. I _may_ have suggested that she could use a teacher, and that I could… um… show her the ways of the force. She must have thought this was, like, a bad date… or something. And she probably got the wrong idea, like I was trying to engage her in _force-play…_ oh, KRIFF!"

Force, this was NOT going well. This was, like, "Matt the Radar Technician" level of idiocy. And he thought he'd _REALLY_ bungled that up. That whole _"undercover"_ debacle was _NOTHING_ compared to this!

"Alright, let's not jump to conclusions just yet. So… what did she do after that? How did you two end up… 'force-bonding'… together?"

Kylo shrugs his shoulders.

"I don't know… I guess… well, she sliced my face. Apparently, she's into the rough stuff. I'm not gonna lie, I thought it was kinda hot. And then it got _REALLY_ hot, cuz, you know, searing pain and all that. Anyway, everything started to fall apart after that, and she ditched me. I figured I wasn't going to see her again. But then, she contacted me, long distance. She claimed she didn't do it, and it must have been a faulty connection, but, I'm _pretty sure_ she was messing with me."

Ghost Han interrupts.

"Wait, so, Rey contacted you on accident?"

Kylo nods.

"Yeah, I guess… but I still don't believe her. Anyways, we ended up having a few chats, and one of the times she got a hold of me, I was caught off guard, without a shirt on. It was awkward, and I wasn't sure what to do. Then, she started acting weird about it and eventually disappeared. But, things got _really_ personal not long after that. She started telling me about her past and asking me about mine too, and then, she suddenly reached her hand out to me. I wasn't really thinking clearly. I took my glove off because I thought it would be rude not to. And that's when we touched hands."

"Ok, so, how did all of this lead to…" Ghost Han lets his voice trail off. He has his brow raised again, and he's getting really good at that "I don't have a clue what your saying" face. _* It's like, he's trying to speak to me! I know it! *_

"Well, after that, we got interrupted by Uncle Luke!"

 _* Shocker. Seriously. What the force, Luke. *_

" _Luke?!"_

Kylo waves Ghost Han off, ignoring his surprise.

"Yes, yes, Uncle Luke was there. Force, I _HATE_ him! He's _ALWAYS_ meddling and budding into my personal life! He cut us off after walking in on us. It was SO embarrassing. I guess he told her I was "bad news" and she shouldn't be hanging out with me. But she must have ignored him, cuz that was when she came to meet me on the star destroyer. I _kind of_ told my boss about her. I wasn't sure if I'd get fired for spending time with a rival competitor, but, he had this _brilliant_ idea that we should convince her to come work for us. So, that was mildly exciting, I guess. I figured, why not? She seemed pretty cool."

"Wait, _YOU_ admitted to your boss that you were fraternizing with the _enemy_?"

Kylo nods.

"Wow. That was a bold move… I'm impressed! Sounds like something _I_ would've done, when I was alive… before my favorite son impaled me… _* cough – guilt trip – cough *_ Maybe you're more like me then you thought after all! Way to go, son!"

Ghost Han beams with pride, while Kylo's cheeks flush crimson. Being compared to your impulsively reckless father is NEVER a compliment. _* Even though you're in denial that you are, in fact, impulsively reckless yourself. *_ Kylo hisses through gritted teeth.

"Dad. Stop. Interrupting. I'm. Not. Like. You. And do you _HAVE_ to keep dredging up the past? Let it die and kill it already! What did I ever do to _YOU_?!"

…

 _*spaceshippy engine humming sounds, because there are no crickets in space*_

…

"Well… I thought that was pretty obvious, son…"

Kylo blinks. He _clearly_ doesn't understand the problem. _* Whatever, just let him finish the damn story, huh? *_ Obligatory eye roll.

"Sure, dad. Fine. Like I was saying, once she got there, my boss wanted to meet her. He was in his office, but he likes to call it his _"throne room"_. Whatever. So, anyway, we were supposed to go up the lift to his office, so we could negotiate and get Rey to jump ship. He's a huge stickler for security precautions, and she was armed, so, I had to have a couple of my colleagues cuff her, before we entered the lift together. Thinking about it now, that might have been a little _too_ suggestive, cuz she suddenly started trying to get close to me once we were alone. She kept saying stuff about helping me or something? I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention. I was, sort of… distracted. Did you know she changed her hair? She kind of smelled like an ocean breeze… and her eyes were… hypnotizing…."

Ghost Han snaps his fingers in Kylo's face.

"Focus, son. Focus."

"Huh? Oh… yeah. Anyway, the next thing I know, Snoke (my boss) is trying to get fresh with Rey, and I definitely wasn't cool with that, so I killed him. So, now he's dead and we're battling Praetorians and then I asked her to marry me, I think? I don't know, I got caught up in the moment, we were coming down from an adrenaline high. But she totally blind-sided me and changed her mind. We argued a bit, and then she knocked me out when she exploded my lightsaber!"

 _* Hold the force and back up. Something has CLEARLY gotten lost in translation here. *_

"Hold on, son… I'm not quite sure I'm following… your _KILLED_ your boss, then asked her to _MARRY_ you?! And what was all that other stuff you were talking about? Battling Praetorians? Exploding your lightsaber? Are those supposed to be euphemisms?"

 _* Rapid blinking from both parties. *_

"What? What the _FORCE_ are you on about, dad? Who even _talks_ like that anymore?! Of _COURSE_ , we _euthanized_ them! I told you! Yes! My boss is dead! They're _ALL_ dead! And I _DON'T_ wanna talk about the marriage proposal… it's… humiliating… too soon. Could you… maybe… just shut up? And let me finish? Ok?"

Ghost Han shakes his head in frustrating confusion, but there's no use in arguing. So, he settles for a little good old-fashioned sarcasm instead.

"Ok… _sorry_ for trying to clear up the _details_ …"

 _* More eye rolling… we're really on a roll with this one, eh? Ok. That was bad, and I should feel bad… but… I don't. *_

"Force, dad… fine… whatever, just… where was I? Oh, yeah. Ok, so Rey exploded my lightsaber and knocked me out. Then I got mad, cuz she ditched me _AGAIN_! So, I chased her down to Crait, and I blew up her base!"

Ok, Ghost Han can't stay quiet for _that_ bombshell. He's positive it's _MANDATORY_ for him to interject after a statement like that.

"You did _WHAT_ to her base? WHAT THE FORCE DOES _CRAIT_ MEAN?!"

Kylo launches off the bed and starts pacing around the room again. His hand gestures are _extremely_ frantic now.

"Oh my FORCE, DAD! Are you even paying attention?! Keep up! Crait was a planet! A. RED. PLANET. But, it wasn't all red. There was white stuff everywhere. Salty. _Very_ salty."

 _* We're all cringing now. Shhh, shhh… it's going to be OK. Just don't overthink it. Find a happy place, find a happy place… *_

"And there were _FOXES_ , dad! Crystal _KRIFFING_ foxes! In _CAVES_! And then, Uncle Luke showed up _AGAIN_ and ruined _EVERYTHING_!"

"Wait, what the force?! Son… I don't think-"

"Shut up dad, I'm not done! Force, you're annoying! Uncle Luke must have followed Rey after she snuck out to see me. He was trying to keep me from entering the base, but then, we got into a fight, and he said something about being sorry for failing me? Whatever, anyways, he left, and I was like, _'Well, that was awkward'_. But, then I was like, _'Ok. Bye Felicia'_. So, then I entered the base, but she wasn't there. I tried to feel around for her, but I guess she didn't like that, cuz she contacted me again and gave me the _DIRTIEST_ look, like she was _REALLY_ kriffing pissed off. And then, _SHE SHUT THE KRIFFING DOOR. IN. MY. FACE!_ "

Kylo comes to a stop in front of Ghost Han, who's now turned around and slouching back into his imaginary chair. Then, Kylo throws his hands up in exasperation. They both stare at each other silently for several, morbidly uncomfortable seconds.

"Sooo… is that it then? Nothing else happened after that?"

Kylo's chin juts out as his jaw momentarily locks. Then, he sighs and rakes his fingers through his hair.

"Uh… Yeah… yeah, that's it. We're not speaking anymore… but I'm pretty sure she's pregnant."

"I'm still not understanding how you think she's pregnant, son… help me out here."

"Ugh… kriffing force… _because_. Dad. I remember when we had 'the talk'. You explained everything about _'bonding'_ and _'finding the force together'_. You told me that you're always supposed to wear gloves, and if you don't wear gloves, you have to make sure to disconnect before you fully open the force-bond, once you've reached the last base."

 _* Floats over fourth wall unapologetically. *_

 _I'm Mary Poppins, y'all! Oh… my bad… sorry, wrong universe. Ok, so, for those of you who couldn't see where this was going from beginning… maybe it was all the wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff… or maybe you just suck at picking up on things. AANNYYY WHHOOO… THIS IS NOT GOING TO GO THE WAY YOU THINK! (For real though, if you couldn't figure that out, then what are you? A mindless buckethead? Get outta here, ya looney stormtrooper!) Somewhere, to in-force-ity and beyond, a newly transformed Force Ghost Luke is hysterically weeping. Because, wow. Just. Amazing. Every word of what you just said was wrong. Alright, I'm done with THIS particular rant. I'll shut up now, so you can get back to enjoying the fanfic shenanigans. Back to the Future! (Past? I can't seem to stop fandom jumping. Oh well.)_

 _* To the Falcon Mobi- Millennium Falcon! Preparing to jump back through fourth wall hyperspace, in three… two… ahh, screw it. Pull the lever, Kronk! *_

Ghost Han suddenly cough-choke-snorts and his brow couldn't arch any higher if he tried. That's saying a lot for a supernatural life (death?) form that isn't confined to the limitations of a physical body. He's not sure how much more of this he can take. Kylo ignores him. _* Business as usual then. *_

"Well… it was something like that. I don't remember your _exact_ words, but yeah. I wasn't wearing gloves and I don't think I disconnected in time. I'm not even sure I realized we were _'finding the force'_ together until she got upset and left! Maybe she was seducing me and then realized how bad I was at it. At least, I _assume_ I was bad if she just kept running out on me. I really kriffed up, dad!"

And _THERE'S_ the kill shot.

 _* I know you know what I'm thinking right now. Dad jokes are life. Hate me if you must, you'll build a bridge and get over it… eventually. *_

Ghost Han doesn't hold back as he loses control. It starts out as a snicker before erupting into a booming roar. Kylo Ren is _NOT_ amused.

"Oh my force, DAD! This isn't funny! I'm in deep force-shit here! I don't know what to do! How am I supposed to deal with this?! I'm not ready to be a dad! And Rey turned down my last proposal, so how the kriff is _that_ supposed to work?! Do we get, like, joint custody or something? Do I have to pay child support or divide and give her half the galaxy?! OH. MY. FORCE! DAD, STOP KRIFFING LAUGHING!"

He tries, but Ghost Han can't suppress his bellowing. He's slapping his knee, crying ghost tears, and he can't breathe. (Not that that matters.) _Kylo_ needs a teacher. Ghost Han has his work cut out for him. (And his chest.) It _really_ is too bad Leia's not here to help set the record straight. I guess he's just gonna have to fly… Solo… on this one.

 _* Ziinnngggg! Muahahaha! I can't be stopped! I regret nothing! *_

Ghost Han finally manages to stop guffawing enough to give a semi-coherent response. He stands up so that he's eye level with his son. His hand now hovers above Kylo's shoulder as he attempts to stifle another chuckle.

"I'm sorry, son. I shouldn't laugh, I know… it's just… well. Son? I _think_ we need to have another _'talk'_."

Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order, is officially and royally baffled now. He may even win that _"new level of bewilderment"_ medal that his dad had been in the running for, five unstable reactor meltdowns ago.

"Wait… what? Why?! I just told you _EVERYTHING_. It's a little too late for another _'talk'_ , don't you think?!"

Ghost Han snaps his head back and chortles again.

"Well… son… because…" He may or may not have snorted louder than Chewbacca in his sleep...

 _* Alright, children, say it with me… all together now! *_

"That's NOT how the _'force'_ works."

* * *

 _* Just a quick, friendly PSA for all you star-crossed lovers out there: KNOW YOUR PARTNER, PEOPLE! And ALWAYS where gloves, no matter HOW force sensitive she is. Remember, the best way to prevent accidental force babies and STDs (Sith Training Disasters), is to take a Jedi oath of celibacy. However, if you choose to become active in the force, PLEASE, for the love of the galaxy... be responsible. Practice safe Force-bonding. *_

 _ **FIN**_

 _(That means THE END; NOT to be confused with the traitorous stormtrooper.)_

* * *

 _* Annihilates fourth wall with half a dozen TIE fighters, a few AT-AT walkers, and one TOTALLY BADASS battering ram cannon. *_

 _*obnoxiously catchy movie song, COMPLETELY unrelated to this franchise, and NOT AT ALL a narcissistic pat on the back*_

 _What can I say, except you're welcome? Hey, it's ok, it's ok, you're welcome! *whisper* You're welcome…_

 _* You are now free to applaud. For the naysayers, Wookie scat throwing will commence shortly… you're welcome. *_


End file.
